Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
