I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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