What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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