I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
