I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
