can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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