I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
