Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
