NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
