Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
A+ Viking dick
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
