If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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