She is in my trunk
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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