yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
