Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
