i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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