Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Send help, water and tortillas.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
