I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
