Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
