my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
