When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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