You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
what day is it and did you see me today?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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