In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
