awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
