I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
