I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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