need another drink. this is the easiest way
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
