you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
