just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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