after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
