I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
