my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
