My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
