that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
