yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
