I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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