So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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