she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
