John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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