He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
