You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
