Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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