If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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