I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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