He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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