3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
