I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
