im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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