OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
