Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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