mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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