Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
